Blood

They say that wine is the blood of Christ, I say Jager is the blood of Satan

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The night of Four Lokos

Tannish to a VERY attractive girl: "So question: If you were gay, which one of us (J3PO, Dupree, Butt-Chug, Tannish) would you fuck?

AG: "Ughh..."

hallmark card

Suave: "Just tell her you'll quit drinking when she puts out"

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Nicknames

J3Po: "We're going to start calling Aryan Jesus "Spooner".

CHP to Aryan Jesus: "Ill start calling Nightrider if you help make El Pollo Loco's nickname "nightcock" stick."

El Pollo Loco: "I thought I was rings?"

Poof: "You are, but you are also nightcock and the DM (Designated Mexican) so you are "Rings De Nightcock". So you're basically a cock ring"

I'd Notice

El Pollo Loco - Do you think anyone would notice if I was dead?

Captain Happy Pants - I would! Then I'd have to find a new roommate...

Completely Cool

Dragon - Shoot it with an anti-gravity gun!

Captain Happy Pants - We are so freaking nerdy...

Dragon - Nothin' nerdy about an anti-gravity gun dude.

Breakfast Talk

Poof - Did you feel unsafe while I was driving?

Captain Happy Pants - I always feel unsafe while you're driving.

Poof - Based solely on the fact that I'm female?

Aryan Jesus - Well yeah, he wouldn't feel unsafe that you're a female if you were say... in the kitchen.

Partying with Captain Morgan

Poof - Ugly people shouldnt be cunts! Then they wouldn't have anything going for them.

Kinky

While drinking at a party:

Stumbling drunk, Poof - I need to stop double fisting every weekend.

From across the back yard, El Pollo Loco - THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Super villain in training

Captain Happy Pants: "... I need to start small though. Next time I see a baby with candy that shit's mine. The baby not the candy."

The Captain's New Hobby

Poof - Since you're at (that lingerie shop) , make sure you shop in the plus size section.

Captian Happy Pants - You calling me fat?

Poof - Callin' you bigger than any girl you'd ever wanna fuck.

Just another night in Little Mexico

Aryan Jesus to Captian Happy Pants with his shorts at half-mast: "I'm ready, get in there!"


PP: "I don't like lime skittles, they taste like a public bathroom."

Mini Adonis to Aryan Jesus: "That's YOUR ass?! It's smother than (Captian Happy Pants')."

Jesus

Noelle: "Oh, reckless abandon,like no one's watching you."

El Pollo Loco: "Jesus is watching, look busy"

Noelle: "Jesus is alwaaays watching. Hey wait, you're on Jesus' good side. You send the ladies back to him"

All Neighbors Should be Like This

Captain Happy Pants "She's like that cute innocent girl next door... who also happens to do hardcore porn"

The Captain has issues

CHP to El Pollo Loco: "I need to fuck something"

El Pollo Loco: "Get away from me!"

Such a small world

El Pollo Loco to CHP : "i told Dragon that you were probably worried about running into your ex. He then proceeded to tell me that the chances are unlikely. My response was that i had already seen at least ten people that we went to high school plus a chick I was talking to on matched.com and i must say that her profile pictures were deceiving... WOOF!"

The Best White Trash Question of All Time

El Pollo Loco to Captain Happy Pants, "Do you want to go to the grocery store or would you like to go to Wal-Mart to check out the talent?"

Wal-Mart won lulz

Anatomy

El Pollo Loco: It would suck to be Korean

Captain Happy Pants: I know. Your penis would be even smaller than it already is.

BFF advice

Captain Happy Pants to El Pollo Loco: "you need to find a chick that waxes... someone that doesnt have the whole cactus jack thing going on"

The Fun Child

Pretty Princess to Captain Happy Pants: Yeah well at least I wasn't conceived in the back seat of a car.

Captain Happy Pant's mother: That just means he was the FUN child.

No Regrets

CHP: "I wish I lost my virginity to a skanky duo rather than just a skanky chick"

Mini Adonis: I don't mean to be cocky... I'm just waiting for the world to prove me wrong.

The Great White Buffalo... needs his shot

El Pollo Loco: Wilford Brimley is the Ted Nugent of diabetes

GBFF's For Life

El Pollo Loco - Why do chicks always have gay best friends?

Poof - (J3PO) is my gay best friend... don't tell him I said that!

Mini Adonis - That's not fair! (J3PO) is all of our gay best friend.

Feminine Masculinity

J3PO: (Aryan Jesus) will be the manliest man I know... when all you guys are dead.

soft shell felines

CHP: im not allergic to any thing. cats make me sneeze a little bit but thats all

El Pollo Loco: cats make me itch a lot... a bit

Noelle: Yeah crabs makes everybody itch

(CHP and El Pollo Loco look at Noelle with a stunned look of confusion)

El Pollo Loco to Noelle: Cats NOT crabs

internet dating super stud

noelle: shes got a cute face

El Pollo Loco: ...for me to poop on

the chicken has tallents

J3PO to El Pollock loco: you are so good at turning chicks on they run to christ

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Car Wash

Captain Happy Pants: Oh man! I almost dropped the rest of this Reese's in your car. It would have been there forever... or until the beaners at the car wash found it and ate it.

Gummylingus

Captain Happy Pants: If I could find gummy bear girl I'd eat the shit out of her!

The big day

Mini Adonis: I want you to be my best man.

N-Word Jim: Sweet! Can we have a trannie in our wedding party?

Grammar

N-Word Jim: Spell conjugate.

Twatty Billigans: C-O-N... gate.

Ham

Dragon: So who's this girl (K)?

El Pollo Loco: She's this girl I've been dating for the past week or so

Dragon: It's not (L)'s friend (K) is it?

El Pollo Loco: No

Dragon: Good cause she looks like Ham from Toy Story.

It grew back!

J3PO- "I lost my virginity when I was 18"

El Pollo Loco- "I didn't lose mine 'til I was 20."

J3PO- "That's when I got mine back..."

Evolution

El Pollo Loco- "I think there's something wrong with you. Your shit smells like Starburst!"

Captain Happy Pants- "No. I think I'm just evolving. In the future all humans shit will smell fruity. You're just jealous cause I'm a superior being."

Narcissism

Mini Adonis: "I'm so good looking, sometimes during sex I wish I was (my girlfriend) so I could have sex with myself..."

Burps and Balls

Captain Happy Pants: *BURP*

N-Word Jim: That was throughly disgusting and I don't like you anymore because of it.

Captain Happy Pants: You've seen my balls before!

N-Word Jim: So? Maybe I liked them...

Racism Ensues

Kid: How many feet can you jump?

N-word Jim: Black


Kid: Why does everyone like the white cupcakes?

N-word Jim: Because they make more money

Age of Innocence

N-word Jim: "I enjoy making pedophilia jokes because I work with children and I think you (Captain Happy Pants) should make more bestiality jokes because you work with animals."

Captain Happy Pants: "I will make a concerted effort to do just that."

Captain Happy Pants: "My phone doesn't know the word pedophilia..."

N-word Jim: "You should teach it while it's still young."

Dc Rip

Dc Sucks...take that superman

El Pollo Loco:"I hate pop music stations dude. They were playing Kesha today. Apparently she wakes up in the morning and feels like P-Diddy. Who says that?"

Captain Happy Pants:"Maybe she felt autistic that day."

Actions have consequences

Tannish: You know how after a chick sucks your dick how you have a little less respect for her?

Something that should be on text from last night

El pollo loco: Go find something to do... besides drink.

Billy: Its too late and besides for me it was like noon i got up at 6! And 6 is sleeping in for me so it is like noon right?

El pollo loco: No! That's not noon!

Billy: Not for u! It's noon somewhere. I alreaqdy ran this by nat and she said i'm not an alcoholic

The butter face milf

The setting is a local restaurant that CHP and myself eat at a lot. A woman with a very good body sits with what we assume is her son at a table across from us.

CHP: MILF!!!

El Pollo Loco: Dude, I know. I wonder where daddy is.

CHP: Probably in jail.

Woman and child get up to leave.

CHP: Butter face...

El Pollo Loco: That face has the look of many nights of crying herself to sleep, heavy drinking, and probably sneaking out late at night for a smoke after the kid falls alseep... Or maybe she's just ugly and I'm over analizing this too much.

Poop and sex

You all remember the movie Golden Eye? Do you remember the girl that kills people by crushing them to death with her legs?

El Pollo Loco: Wouldn't that be an awesome way to die?

CHP: Yes, yes it would be.

El Pollo Loco: Dude think about it. Your having sex with a girl, she crushes you as your about to climax then you die... Then you shit yourself.

CHP: That's why I poop so much. I don't want to die with a full colon.

Women's curling

Faster: "Guys womens curling is on tonight!"

Captain Happy Pants: "What are they gonna be curling? Their hair? 'Oooh that's a pretty bad neck burn, yeah judges aren't gonna like that.'"



El Pollo Loco: "Listening to women's curling is like listening to porn. All they say is, 'Yeah! Keep going! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Keep going! OK stop! Stop!'"

Marriage talks

Mini Adonis: "I'd like to think I could kill my wife and not go crazy..."

Captain Happy Pants: "Well it's not like women are real people anyway."

Mini Adonis: "Exactly! It's just like putting your dog down."

Sexism?

El Pollo Loco: "Holy shit that car parks itself!"

Xelassaba: "Well that'll be good for women"

Mini Adonis is not impressed with Apolo Ohno

Mini Adonis: "Winning gold in speed skating is like winning gold in sucking cock."

Foot in mouth

Setting: WalMart electronics section, in the background is a plump girl with what the audience assumes is her boyfriend. Enter on Captain Happy Pants and El Pollo Loco staring openly at an attractive redhead WalMart employee.

Captain Happy Pants: "She's totally hot"

Mini Adonis: "I dunno, she could stand to work out. I like less cush where I push"

Incredulous look from plump girl

Drunk before nine

El Pollo Loco: "let me puss something on twitter."

El Pollo Loco: "Really? You look like a coors man to me"

Captain Happy Pants: "Yeah well you look like a tampon man to me."

Mom joke!

Captain Happy Pants: "I can't wait until humans get over this whole 'sanctity of life' fad that they're going through and just gut someone during the Olympics opening show"

Captain Happy Pants' mother: "Apparently they did this morning with that bob sledder from Georgia"

Captain Happy Pants: "MOM! WTF!?"

and now a few moments with Chester

"so i was drunk and puked in a bottle of Jack Daniel's and i dont know why but it was in my closet and i found it a week later. I was like "what the fuck is that?! aaahhhoowww, its my fucking puke... i got to throw that away before my mom finds it. my mom finds its, my mah mah amah..."

"i will hit you so hard, you will drop two years..."

CHP evening after

I'm too hungover to be horny anyway

The drunken ramblings of an Irish bastard

Chester: "You know what sucks? (My ex) said she would rob me... I mean RIDE me... reverse cowgirl... How do sailors do it?! Out at sea... drinkin'...

Nobody believes me that I'm the reverse pothead. Pot makes me angry and drinking makes me happy!

Lach-lock= Nigger Word Jim= Jair= TMonet

"Can you imagine? If spleen had a consciousness. I'm a spleen. A consciousness with no brain."

Captain and the droid

Captain Happy Pants: I would fuck my droid if had a vagina but I haven't found an app for that yet
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Chester: duh I need cain I need ta pee.

The room is sinning
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

The most interesting man's drunk statement

El Pollo Loco (drunk): I'm bet if I were to show The Nite Elf or Pet It the Destination Calabria video while drunk, they'd both say there no trumpets in the music.

Savory Liquors

Billigans: So i'm drinkin and i want something salty and all my liquer is sweet and i was like too bad alcohol doesn't come in savory flavors! ha ha

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

tips for picking up girls

Take notes frem Caesar Millan dude, calm assertiveness and confidence. Women are just like dogs lol

Caiptan Happy Pants

Irony

Jesus: "You're licking the butter off a popcorn bag and trying to insult me?!"

New game franchise?

Captain Happy Pants: "How much trouble do you think someone would get in if they made Virginia Tech: The Video Game?"

Name clarification

Jesus = Jimmy

Stories from the past...

Long before this blog was conceived our good friend Pet It posed a question that our group still references to this day. At the time Pet It was dating a girl that some of our group felt was all wrong for him and some in our group (Jesus) were more vocal about their feelings than others. One night Jesus wanted Pet It to hang out with some of us and drink but Pet It decided he wanted to go out with his girlfriend at the time. After some insults from Jesus Pet It was walking out the front door of his house when Jesus said, "Whatever happened to bro's before ho's?" To which Pet It replied, "Whatever happened to being a FUCK-HEAD?!" then slammed the door on a stunned crowd just before we all broke into hysterical laughter.

1.28.2010

Captain Happy Pants to The Most Interesting Man in the World: I will knee you so hard (in the kidneys) that you'll go in to failure.

Thoughts on Kitties.

Jesus: Cats are good because they're like light dogs. Yes. COOL cats are just very light dogs.

1.23.10

Twattybilligans: Jesus' name for me is Twattybilligans

Jimmy's musings on beds

Jesus: "That's why they call it a headboard cause its like," *claps* "bang" *claps* "bang" *claps* "bang"

Pet It gets political

The Most Interesting Man in the World: Pet It, what do you think about Barack Obama?

Pet It: I think Barack Obama is... A politician and politicians are nothing but douche-bags who suck the dick of all the shit and buy into all the shit and he's nothing but a fuckin' douche-bag who just is sucked into the political system of all the shit and ultimately, yeah, "He's our leader" but, come on, honestly, he's just like you and me. He's just a person.

Pet It's thoughts on death and dying

Pet It: Well what's the difference? Death and dying?

Captain Happy Pants: Go on... Continue.

Pet It: You can't actually experience death.

Captain Happy Pants: What?

Pet It: Cause once death takes control then there's no such thing as experience so even though you thirst to experience death it's impossible to actually experience it, but everyone has the thirst to experience death... But its un-experienceable! You can not experience death becaussssssse... Definition of death.......

1.22.10

Lachrymology: How bout i drive you to carl's jr?
Pet It: you wish you could drive just like i wish i could drive the stove

-TMIMITW

First post

the point of this blog is mostly to remember all of the funny and stupid stuff that our little group of friends say when inebriated or sober. hope you all enjoy this as much as we will